Building. Progress. Growth. Achievement. Humans driven by
ambition identify with these items; they're goals, ideals to achieve. And why
not? Surely it’s better than stagnation, right? Well, let’s go outside of the
box for a moment. Dedication to a pursuit is admirable, absolutely. The desire
to continue to hone one’s talents, to find the motivation to persist no matter
what obstacles interfere, is one that characteristic of many, if not all, of
the people who achieve an elevated level of excellence possess. Some of us are
contrarian, though. Or at least I hope the word is “us”, or else it’s just me. This
is not to say that dedication is a trait I lack, necessarily, but holding it as an ideal is
contrary to the manner in which I think. Let me explain.
Each passing year, there is a greater resignation that life
isn't quite the fairy tale it is made out to be in our younger years. Now, that
is not necessarily a bad thing; there are multiple ways to look at it. Some may
look at the process and consider aging the loss of whimsy and wonder of youth.
Others may consider it not aging, but maturation, and it’s not resignation to a
less than fantastical existence, rather, an appreciation for the little things,
an appreciation that we could not posses in our youth. The reality is somewhere
in between those two, in my estimation. I can recognize this process taking
place, but my thought process is a combatant one. Consequently, the greater
this aging/maturation phenomenon occurs, the greater this contrarian backlash
is for me.
If nothing else, I can fairly say I embrace new experiences.
It’s almost as though I have this list with the goal of checking off as many
unique things as possible, not even because the items on the list seem
particularly enjoyable, but because I can look back on my life and say, “look
at all the things I did”. I can truthfully say that I have enjoyed just about
all of them, and even if I cannot say I enjoyed the experience itself, I enjoy
and appreciate the fact that I had the experience after the fact rather than in
the moment itself. But what does this have to do with everything I wrote before
this? Well, the pursuit of these different experiences can often get in the way
of the building mentality, the tendency to focus in on fewer goals. It’s in
conflict with the notion of settling down a bit and focusing more on the
ordinary beauty of life than the extraordinary beauty of life. One ventures
into the world of practical knowledge and not the world of new sensations or
philosophical knowledge. This is what I fight against more and more the older I
get; the more I feel it would be wiser to plant roots, to cherish the friends
and family I have and the experiences we share, and to focus on that part of my
life, the more I adamantly insist that this is not any sort of way to live
life. I fight back harder and harder. Anyone can do that, but far fewer welcome
the opportunity to develop a greater awareness and understanding of the world,
the entire world, around us. This is where I struggle. This is where I can’t
manage these two very conflicting components of my personality.
Here’s the thing. It’s not as though my ideas are simply to
travel abroad, see the world, and to acquire a greater awareness for the
diversity of this planet. That’s great, but for me, it is not enough, not as
far out there. The learning is great, but not comprehensive. This process
allows for learning of culture, but I feel like I seek something further
beneath the surface. I have these ideas, ideas that previously I found
interesting, but now increasingly seem more and more desirable to pursue. Sure,
I could spend my life building up one person, the person I am and the life I
have today, but how would that compare to experiencing many different lives? At
this point, the key is that traveling is not enough. Moving is not enough,
either. What if one completely changed his/her identity? What if I moved to
Europe, but I was not myself, I did not take my name, and I left my entire past
behind me. It’s not a clean slate, as erasing a white board still tends to
leave marks on the board; this is a new, unadultered slate. Who I am, what I
like, what I am good at, who I knew, they are all part of that last life, not
the new one. What would it be like to live many short lives instead of one long
one? It’s an intriguing notion, to say the least. In this case, I think one
sacrifices depth of learning for breadth of learning.
Likewise, another idea is to live life on the streets. It’s
not just forfeiting the comforts of daily life, it's forfeiting the necessities
of daily life. “You never really understand a person until you consider things
from his point of view … until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”
Homelessness is something no one ever wants to experience. Well, maybe I just
shot a hole in that statement, but how much of a better understanding of the
world could I achieve? The insights I could gain, the observations I could
make, being able to experience the world in a lens that many others don't, this
is fascinating to me. In contrast to the taking a new identity and leaving 100%
of a prior life behind, this process would be slightly different to me, as I envision
it. Here I would want to retain the characteristics that make me, me. I’d want
to see how people treat the “functioning member of society me” relative to the “homeless
me”. At the core, I’d be the same person. On the outside, I would look
different, my perceived worth and use to society would be different, but I’d be
the same. How would people treat me? Would I be met with compassion? Disgust?
Would people be interested in talking to me? How would they look at me? We all
get a sense of how this would go already, because we have all walked by people
living on the streets before. It’s a different story when you're on the
opposite side of the fence, though. File this experiment under the category of
not enjoying an experience while it is occurring, but enjoying the fact that I
did it after the fact.
These are just two of the many thoughts that intrude on my
ability to lead what would be an easier more conventional life. Let me be
clear: I don't want the typical, conventional life. I still cling to the notion
that there is some balance between stability and spontaneity; somehow, some way, it has to be possible, right? I don't feel these ideas are unique. I’d bet
others have thought, and done, some of these things before, maybe for the same
reasons, maybe stemming from an entirely different impetus. It does make me a
bit of a rarity, though. I cannot say if any of these ideas will come to pass,
if the impulses will become any more or less muted than today, if something
even more peculiar transpires, or if this will all become a fleeting memory.
After all, we can never be truly sure if we will even live to see the next day.
The analogy that is often used is taking the worn road or the road less
traveled, and as I sit here, looking at the two, the ever strengthening desire
is to take no road at all and find a new path entirely. There may be others who
also elect not to take a road, but the beauty is that in this case, no two off
road approaches will ever be the same.
