Ah the "friend zone". I have to be honest: I've had a lot of thoughts on everything I want to write after this intro paragraph, but I've struggled to start this piece off. I think at its core, there's an obvious message: kindness is a gift, not a debt transaction. If you're kind only because you expect something in return, you're not kind. At all. And that's not to say that people shouldn't want to try and impress or woo someone they're interested in, but if that's all you want, then there needs to be explicit communication. If you don't want to be "friend zoned", ask someone out on a date. Explicitly. A real invite with communicated intent. It's a simple concept, but one that is all too often ignored in a world full of male entitlement that commoditizes kindness for a relationship (or in many cases, just sex). But it's not exactly what I want to get at. I want to use the term to sort of re-contextualize what motives, goals, and desires could (should?) be.
Imagine an approach where you pre-friend zone your self going into a relationship (used to communicate an ongoing interaction, not a romantic relationship). It could be for any number of reasons: life circumstances, distance, age, being a coworker, incompatible goals, whatever. So what does pre-friend zoning yourself look like? Well, you've set boundaries for yourself: you're just going to be friends. That's the goal. And what is the appropriate way to act? Well, like you would with someone you aim to show someone that they're special to you. That they're worth extra attention and that your aim is to see them smile and feel valued. Now, I think it's desirable to have all our friends feel that way, but we know that a significant other does bring out a little extra degree of motivation. Do this all, and do this all not only without any expectation of something in return, but not wanting anything in return.
I happen to really like the idea of platonic love being more popular in today's society. Once a friend asked me if I have ever been just a little in love with a friend, to which I replied "I'd like to hope I am just a little in love with all my friends". And maybe there is some blurry area between platonic and romantic love, either in whole or in part. I know I have started to develop stronger feelings for people I know I can't or won't ever be anything more than friends with. Maybe this is where friend zoning yourself should take you, to that grey area. I'll admit, it might not be the easiest place to sit with your emotions sometimes, but overall, I feel like it should be an aspiration to place yourself in this state and master the emotions you feel. Forging a friendship where you become just a bit more invested in someone's happiness, success, and fulfillment, maybe having a few butterflies every time you speak with them, maintaining an excitement level when socializing or doing activities together, it's not a bad state to be in. Imagine a world in which you can make another person feel great for being the person they are, nothing more. Why shouldn't that be a goal?
When you enter a romantic relationship with someone, you never have any clue if it's going to work out. And here is where I think people miss the mark with dating, romance, and relationships: so many people go into relationships with a goal of it lasting forever. It's not the case all the time, but certainly as people age, there's more of a desire to have something long term to permanent, particularly in the case where a person is monogamous. I never date with the intention of "I hope this only lasts a few months", but my goal is to be the best boyfriend that I can be, and that if the relationship doesn't work out, that my partner values herself, knows her worth, and will never allow anyone henceforth to treat her with anything less than she deserves. And if being that best boyfriend I can possibly be leads to a lifetime partner, which I would consider an ideal outcome, then that's fantastic. I think there's a subtle nuance between a relationship lasting forever being a goal or an outcome. As a goal, it's a vague endpoint without a plan and many ways to get there. In contrast, it being an outcome means you're focused on something else, something more concrete and actionable. If the relationship doesn't last, for one person the goal failed, and for the other person, you set out doing the things you wanted to do and perhaps that ideal state outcome didn't surface, but that feels a lot better. To use an analogy, it's sort of like saying "I want to get an A" instead of "I want to learn a lot in this class". If you learn a lot in the class, you're really focused on doing the right things to end up getting an A. If your only goal is to get an A, you haven't stated anything you're actually acting on. And there are honest and dishonest ways to get an A...just like there are good and really awful, toxic ways to make relationships last longer.
So to lean back into the friend zone aspect of this, instead of giving a partner an expectation of kindness, positive interactions, feelings of worth and happiness, and all for no other reason than for being who they are, give that to a friend. I never set out in any of my interactions with people with this concept of friend zoning myself in mind, per se. Quite honestly, I think my codependent tendencies make this sort of my natural behavior. I primarily feel good when I am making other people feel good, and quite often I want to go the extra mile to make friends and coworkers feel cared about. And while I am not saying codependence is a good thing, or that I act purely out of codependence in my actions, I think there are probably some behaviors that I am taking and utilizing in this concept of "friend zoning yourself". It pains me to see friends end up with partners that don't treat them well. And if they happen to be of the opposite sex, it's never from a place of "I would treat her so much better", but of "she deserves so much better". Look at the differences in those sentences (pro tip: watch out for how other people communicate. If someone speaks like the former and not the latter, watch out!) It should be a goal for all of us to be such good friends to others (in my case as a heterosexual man, to women) that they will end up with a great partner and don't settle for less. If more and more men adopt this mentality, then the overall quality of the populace improves! Seems like a good outcome to me. Even if you're self-centered and wonder what's in it for you, well, here's what's in it for you. You are conditioning yourself to be a better person. Now, if that isn't enough of a reward in and of itself, then realize that, in general, being a better person, learning about interacting with people, learning about yourself, just becoming more emotionally aware, that's all going to help lead to better relationships in the future. Chances are your friendships will also be more fulfilling, too.
So there you have it; let's take this term that's endemic amongst entitled males and turn it into something that we can drive positive intentions and behaviors out of.
