From a young age, I've had tunnel vision with respect to the person I've been interested in. I never understood being attracted to anyone else if I was in love with someone. I'm not just saying that; I've had numerous other friends and girlfriends even remark about it. I've gotten the "where were you on that!?" line from a (married) co-worker when an attractive woman walked by our booth at dinner, and another co-worker replied "Anthony doesn't pay attention to women like that." I've gotten from one ex-girlfriend, "you really don't show a lot of interest in other women at all, do you?" and from another, before I was even dating her but after I was already enamored with her, she would always exclaim when she'd point out a nice butt, and I'd never know what she was talking about or who she was even looking at. I've always just been so in love and perfectly content with the person I'm with and never quite understood celebrity crushes.
Well, fast forward to my 30s. The dating pool is smaller, I'm not exactly optimistic about my relationship prospects, intellectually I conceptually don't think monogamy makes sense (though emotionally it is still what I desire), and I have been critical of my previous tunnel vision anyhow. It doesn't seem as though this sort of complete disinterest in any sort of attraction is either healthy or unhealthy. People routinely have celebrity crushes and don't seem any worse for the wear from it in relationships (anecdotally). For the first time in my life, I'm dating. Before I sort of just ended up in relationships. There wasn't much intentional about it. Despite being highly analytical and passionate about data, my emotions for the first 30 years of my life tended to win out when it came to romantic interests. I'd even say that two of my relationships were explicitly not logical to me from the beginning, but when you can't get someone out of your head, you feel like it's probably better to just give in and hope for the best than to endure the torture of someone permeating your thoughts constantly and not doing anything about it.
Dating is VERY different. If you're intentionally dating, it's not organic. It's purpose driven. I'd even argue it's not really fun, at least for me. What happened, though, for the first time in my life I am in a period where it actually seems okay to indulge in a celebrity crush. Now, I use the term "celebrity" lightly because I'm so far removed from pop culture that I don't know who people reference whenever they talk about actors and actresses. A celebrity for me is an obscure musician nine times out of ten. Now, there's actually some other underlying issue with celebrity crushes and me. A celebrity crush is easy; it's highly unrealistic. It's so far outside of the realm of normal possibility that it's safe. There's no emotional attachment (at least in theory). You're not putting yourself out there. There's no rejection, nothing that can hurt you. It's a low risk and fun exercise, even sharing across sexes. When going to Wacken Winter Nights, I encouraged our group to each have a list of three crushes in the bands. As a man and with women being scarce among the bands playing, my options were more limited, so I was more doing it to egg on my female friends, but I made mine as well.
But here is the funny thing: most of these things are usually done on a superficial level, right? I'm sure that there are people who like Angelina Jolie (sorry I legitimately don't know who the current hot actress is) or Jason Momoa for their personalities, but if we're honest with ourselves, we know the majority of the people attracted to them source that attraction from their physical appearance. Now I would say that all of my three were physically attractive, but they weren't really the hottest women there. No, my crushes were because of following them or their path to music and knowing some of their backstory. The blind singer and woodwind player with a voice of an angel who posts her favorite places to go for serenity, the hurdy gurdy player who got added into a band she did song covers of when learning to play the instrument. The woman who I deemed straight out of a Danish fairy tale with an alluring voice and an enchanting energy. If the point of a celebrity crush is to have it be purely superficial without any sort of other form of attachment, I was failing.
Enter my latest "celebrity" crush. And this crush was what prompted this entire post because it's an amalgamation of my old and new interests and values. It all flooded my thoughts last night (several nights ago when I actually wrote this). I didn't feel strongly until I did, and that was when all these separate pieces collided into each other like the people in the mosh pit at the show I was at. The crush? Marion from Aephanemer. I'm not quite sure the best way to present all the colliding thoughts, so I'm just going to throw it all out there and hope it seems cogent. When I was younger, all I ever wanted was a family. Today I'm not sure if that's true. I'm not sure if I have any interest in kids now that I've progressed to this stage in my life and am not remotely close to having a life partner. Putting aside the "monogamy doesn't seem logical" part of my brain, I'm not close to having a significant other either. But that younger desire was still there. And while I know most men dream of having a son, I definitely wanted daddy's little girl. That led me to the revelation I had: if I had a daughter who would I want her to look up to? Who would I be beaming with pride if she grew up to be (and I'd be proud of the person she became from her own experiences and decisions and being her own person, of course)? I don't know Marion personally at all, but from a surface level, she checked that box in addition to possessing the qualities that I find very attractive.
Marion does vocals and rhythm guitars for Aephanemer in addition to being the writer behind the lyrics. Women are becoming more prevalent in the metal scene and very slowly becoming more populous as being recording artists. When present in a band, they do tend to be vocalists more often than not. In folk metal, you do see a number playing traditional folk instruments, and there are plenty of women who are the sole mastermind behind an entire band and do all the writing and recording. But in general, the Tarjas and the Floors and the Simones and the Nooras of the world outnumber the Amelie Bruuns (Myrkur) and the Chelsea Wolfes of the world. All that to say, it's uncommon to see a woman guitarist, particularly in a genre like melodic death metal compared to something more folky or atmospheric. So you have her, a prominent member front and center, unleashing piercing screams and gutteral growls while playing away on guitar, singing about stoicism. Further, she seems comfortable in her own skin, which is incredibly attractive. I would never criticize any woman for her choice in clothing, makeup, hair color, etc. Women dressed to the nines certainly do target a certain audience, but I always tell people they should shut the hell up until they try singing opera in a corset. Nevertheless, Marion comes on stage like the metalhead you'd meet at a bar: jeans, t-shirt, wristbands. She has long beautiful hair that is only just beginning to grey, and she lacks visible tattoos. On every point above, I admire her. She is a phenomenal musician, wears what she wants, looks how she likes, and doesn't cave into any of the pressure or expectations pushed upon women by society. I can certainly find appeal in women with a ton of tattoos, but I don't have any myself right now, and in my younger years, I sort of saw it as the body in it's purest, unadulterated form. The lack of need or desire to outwardly want that expression of art to show anyone, or even yourself, could be seen as total self assuredness and taking meaning from within. The horrible double standard of grey hair on women being undesirable and sexy on men should fuck right off. But that aside, I've told several exes that I loved the idea of my partner having grey hair and not dying it. When you love someone so fully and you share life with them, every grey hair represents an experience, a shared moment, a sign of the impermanence of life but a reminder that we're still here. I've seen absolutely stunning women and stunning hair once it's partially or fully greyed or silvered. And sure, being the age I am now, I'm probably not going to see my partner's hair go silver from the beginning, so they're not ALL shared experiences, but I think it's a reminder that we all have our stories, and I'd love to share those stories and memories and lessons learned. So the fact that she has hair that has begun to grey (and she may very well dye it, I can't know for sure, but the fact that it doesn't seem such a heavy priority to her is still relevant, in my estimation) is a huge positive in my interpretation of her beliefs and philosophy. Finally, her smile. The joy she conveys on stage. There's an authenticity in her eyes and her smile when she performs. I think there's a spectrum of smiles from purely for show to one that is fully genuine. Some performers live on the inauthentic end of the spectrum, probably most are somewhere in the middle. I truly got the sense that Marion's smile was 100% authentic. All of her words and actions seemed so genuine; her gratitude for the support and appreciation for the experience she was having was conveyed with such sincerity. Oh, and maybe on a purely superficial level, her accent, annunciation, and word cadence are enough to make me get a stupid grin because I find it really attractive. French accents aren't usually at the top of my list, but hers is 😅
But to bring it back around, the sum of all these parts, the musical talent, the intelligence and introspection behind her lyrical topics, her authenticity, standing up in the face of musical and societal norms, her gratitude and humility, when I look at all that combined, then you throw the physical characteristics I find beautiful and my affinity for her accent on top, that's the anatomy of a celebrity crush. She is thriving in an art that present me has such extreme respect and admiration for, she appeals to the sensibilities that past me had that have stuck with me even after all this time. She's someone who seems, on the surface, to be someone that little girls everywhere could look up to. I'd love for her to inspire girls, pre-teens, and teens everywhere, for them to watch a video of her perform and say "I want to growl and play guitar like the pretty lady!" To pick up a guitar and practice and have the determination in the face of a male dominated scene to succeed. To feel comfortable in their own bodies and skins and clothes no matter what anyone else says. To rise above any negativity and show genuine appreciation for those who show their love and support. I can only hope she is already having this impact on young women all over the world. And if you happen to be reading, Marion, I hope this post shows you that you're really a treasure in this world, and that someone who really doesn't know you at all can still have a very deep appreciation for what he has seen in what you've shared with the world.
