Rape Culture

First post in quite some time. This post may or may not be a return to somewhat more regular writing. I have need for catharsis and lack of motivation playing tug of war right now, so it's anyone's guess which of those two will win on any given day.

This next topic is a sensitive one, one that I think really creates an adversarial response between individuals. In this day and age, it's easier and easier to lack empathy when so many communications are not done in person. The lack of interpersonal body language, the lack of any real consequences from our communications when we are speaking over a screen, and the ever increasing selfish mentality of your average 21st century individual all contribute to topics becoming verbal war zones instead of mediums for progress. As such, it's easy to avoid these discussions entirely for many people; it feels like a fruitless effort that will only result verbal tirades and harassment, because, you know, God forbid anyone have an opinion. Well, I am jumping into the fray, albeit in a manner where the reach will be virtually nonexistent. Still, I feel the need to get some things off my chest; this post is going to be a blend of reason and emotion, so bear with me.

By coincidence, I seem to have really been in a heightened number of situations where some of the typical gender roles, stereotypes, or judgments have come into play of late, and while I suppose nothing is new or unique about any of these occurrences, the fact that they've come in a compressed timeline is what has elicited an even stronger response than normal from me. One has been the nice guy/safe guy role. This is upsetting to me, not because I feel that it negatively impacts the quality of my life being such or being labeled as such, but because of the broader implications of it. Many will say I don't give myself credit for things, but my counter is that it's not a reflection of me, it's just that our culture has set the bar so low that it's unfair to feel any sort of validation for the praise. Here's the thing: maybe in some ways I am a more compassionate person than the average individual on the street. I don't know, I cannot be the judge of that, but that doesn't negate the fact that there are some things that all human beings should think or behave like by default, and they don't. The mere implication that there is such a term as "safe friend" is really all that needs to be said. How utterly disappointing is it that people are so generally untrustworthy, selfish, or both, that there are designated people to fit this role in another's life? Shouldn't not taking advantage of a situation be it physically or emotionally be a display of basic human decency, not something to be lauded (or even in some instances used as a derogatory term)? I'm not going to sit here and pat myself on the back for doing things such as not actively taking advantage of an intoxicated or distressed person who is not thinking clearly or passively taking advantage of a situation either (she kissed me is NOT an excuse). Whether you're the person that a same sex friend trusts his/her significant other with knowing you're not going to do anything to betray him/her, or whether an opposite sex friend feels comfortable putting him/herself in maybe more of a compromising situation knowing you're going to look out for him/her, not exploit him/her, you're really only being asked to not do anything morally reprehensible. This, to me, is a clear indicator of "rape culture".

Now, to clarify something, I don't necessarily agree with all elements of how some people portray this term. Like any movement, things will be dramatized or just looked at through too narrow of a lens to appropriately assess some of the other elements applicable to the situation. I completely agree with the sentiment that we need to educate people not to rape. There needs to be more discussion about consent, behavior, accountability, etc. I don't, however, agree that we as a society "don't teach people not to rape, we teach how not to get raped" in the strictest sense of that remark. Growing up, no one teaches you it's okay to rape someone. You do get taught that you cannot and should not rape someone, that it is illegal, a heinous act, etc. Is it to the degree that is appropriate or necessary? No, but to suggest that we neglect to teach not to rape and put the sole responsibility on people not to get raped I think is not quite correct. Along the same lines, I completely agree what a horrible and insensitive question "well what were you doing there that time of night anyway?" is. I don't, however, think that this is something exclusive to rape cases or part of an active way to single rape women out in a sort of "war on women". I think this is a response common to any sort of action where someone is located in an unsafe area at an unsafe time. If I was walking through a high crime area wearing an expensive watch late at night and got mugged and had my watch stolen, I guarantee I would be questioned why I was walking there at that time in the first place. It's very insensitive, and I think being raped is a more traumatic experience than being mugged (speculation on my part, and of course is subjective) which would sort of amplify the insensitivity that much more. To say that it is a specifically targeted statement is not something I agree with, though. Also, just as a brief tangent, I think psychologically there is a component here that while the person asking this question (and it's not just people commenting on a situation who had nothing to do with it, this applies to friends and family who may also ask the same insensitive question, possibly for the reason I am suggesting) does not feel that the victim is the primary culprit or driver of the event, these sorts of situations occur without the aggressor present. Specifically from the friend/relative perspective, emotions such as anger will accompany ones of sadness or concern because there should be some anger when a crime is committed against a loved one. Because the criminal is absent, though, that frustration can be expressed and misdirected in an inappropriate manner unintentionally in the form of a "why didn't you do more to prevent this?" sort of question. Does it excuse it? No, but I think differentiating between the action being active or passive helps determine how to best address that sort of response. After all, there is not one solution that would best address both apathy and ignorance.

The problem is, though, that oftentimes the focus gets shifted to a battle of semantics, extremes, and personal attacks, and we don't focus on what is important: the issue itself. Seriously, why is every little detail more important than the overall problem to many people? And look, I'm the first one to say that there are bad people in the world, there always have been, and there always will be. People have been raping, murdering, and stealing since the beginning of time. Nothing is going to change that. But that, like arguing semantics, is not a reason to not try to do better.

It is bad that people see me as an exception, not a rule, when it comes to being a "safe friend".

It is bad that I have had to pretend to be a boyfriend at a bar or club because of the actions of other men there.

It is bad that I have had to accompany a girlfriend walking back from a store through a parking lot because of the catcalls and aggressive behavior towards her.

It is bad that men back off drastically more often only when a man is also present with a woman, and it's also bad the mentality that men have to defend this. The best way I can describe it is this: if your response to women getting catcalled or harassed is along the lines of it just being innocent flirting or what not, what would be your response to the same thing happening when you are walking down the street holding hands with your girlfriend? If your retort is along the lines of "that's different because I am there with her", you are the problem.

And you know what? I understand where some of the feminism blow back comes from, but men, you have to get over it. Yes men can get raped. Yes, men suffer from domestic violence. Yes, men get objectified. At the end of the day, the average man is 5'8" and the average woman is 5'3". Average weights are a bit harder to come by, but the average man probably weighs somewhere between 170 and 190 pounds, and the average female weight varies much more by age, where younger women average between 120 and 140 pounds, and older women between 130 and 160 pounds. The average man has 30-40% more muscle mass than the average female. The fact of the matter is yes, victims come in all packages, but from a sheer biological perspective, which sex has more to fear? I've heard the argument that if a woman hits a man, it's a bad double standard to say that the man cannot hit her back and using the term "equality" to justify it. I'm not saying that a man is supposed to just stand there and be assaulted, but a man hitting a woman is not equal to a woman hitting a man. You have more muscle driving the punch and longer arms that will generate more angular momentum. Unless that woman is a well trained martial artist or boxer, there's nothing equal about a punch for a punch in that scenario.

One of the things that a band that I like and respect very much, The Courtesans, said in an interview that they consider themselves "humanists", not feminists. They said they often get told that the terms mean the same thing, but their reply is and that the word feminist is a "sexist expression in itself", and their sentiment is that the focus needs to be on equality, not on females. They focus more on the connotation that comes along with the terminology, and by focusing on the issue of equality, and perhaps distancing themselves from what negative criticism goes against sort of the very extreme "feminists", that it is a more constructive and positive way to make progress. I already loved them prior to seeing that interview, but afterwards, I admired them that much more because they get it. In fighting against sexism that is culturally systemic, a lot of the responsibility falls on males. Make no mistake about it: preconceived notions about gender roles hurts men, too, and men need to realize this and help change it. The more we combat sexism and help women obtain the equality that they deserve, the more it also liberates males from having to be judged as well. The double standards in what is expected between the different sexes are terribly unfair, more so to women, but also to men. Women are looked at in a negative manner in many circles for being more sexually open, and conversely, men are seen as less masculine if they aren't going around trying to sleep with as many women as possible. Women should not have to hide their sexuality in order to avoid shaming, and men shouldn't have to give into this sort of "conquest" mentality to avoid being shamed.

As someone who falls into the latter category, I can empathize with the situation females probably have to deal with far more frequently than many males do. Any sort of "flattery" a person is supposed to feel from being physically desired doesn't make up for the frustration or disappointment in knowing that there are people that desire that alone when it's not something you're interested in. You also end up running into situations where women are innately distrustful (and who can blame them?), which ends up hurting the nice guys who truly are doing things out of genuine altruism and not with any ulterior motives. It's sad to see friendships or relationships fail to form or stall out simply because a guy is "too nice". A problem I know that I have, too, is that the combination of really just liking to give to others, being comfortable enough financially to do so, and at times having the tendency to want to help others more and more the worse and worse I mentally feel as a flight mechanism of dealing with my own problems (others' issues are always easier to fix than your own) all converging, making me particularly vulnerable to this. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to compare my experiences to those of the average female, but the point is that failing to recognize our inherent gender biases, roles, and stereotypes hurts everyone, and even if your problems are worse than someone else's, it doesn't invalidate the other person's feelings. No one's suffering is good regardless of how severe or minor it is.

If I can have people take something away from reading this, it's to be empathetic and have courage. Guys, put yourselves in a woman's shoes. Think about what it's like to have a bunch of creeps pursuing you with dishonest intentions. Before you go thinking about how unfair it is for females to criticize men or to discredit their opinions or emotions, stop and think what it must feel like, what experiences they've had to make them feel that way. Think as though every woman is a woman you care about who you'd be extremely upset if another man was inappropriate in his interactions. Don't let other guys get away with being crass and disrespectful in the way the speak to or about women. In these sorts of scenarios, there are many times where a lot of people are afraid to speak up, but once someone does, either others chime in, or people say after the fact "I was thinking the same thing, I am glad you spoke up". Being willing to do this can inspire others to do the same. Even if you're not part of the problem, per se, be part of the solution. Ladies, guys don't have it as tough as you do, no, but it doesn't mean they are free from issues or that they somehow don't get hurt over things too. Focusing on how men being part of the solution is a far more constructive and less confrontational approach that focusing on them being problem. Operating under the premise that guys cannot be sensitive or that their emotions are invalid just plays into the same gender role issue that we're trying to escape. There's too much work to be done, progress to be made, to have a divided, adversarial front, and both sides need to work together. We don't seem to like to do that on most fronts here, so, ladies and gents, why don't we mix things up and give it a try?