Escaping Malice

Most people will tell you that, after spending about 15 minutes with me, I am a genuinely nice guy. Whatever that means, anyhow. It's a reasonable assessment. I put others before myself, I try very hard to do the right thing, I have a very strong conscience and sense of responsibility to hold myself to a higher standard,  I really try to go the extra mile to show people I care, and I enjoy random acts of kindness. People tell me I am a good guy, a good man. Here's the thing: I'm not a good man, I work to be a good man. People think that it's something innate, that I was just graced from the heavens with the "nice gene". It isn't that people take it for granted - people appreciate the things I do and the way I act, they really, really do. What I think goes lost is that it's really difficult to be that guy, to fill that role all the time. It's part of me, it's who I want to be, how I want to act, and how I want to be remembered - to be a gentleman in a world gradually forgetting what that means, to turn the other cheek no matter how badly it stings, and to rise above the destructive emotions we all feel as humans.

The problem is, there are times where it is difficult to be this way, and when you've been this way so long, when it's part of your identity, even when you may not want to, you have to. And it's painful - it's really painful. It's a catch-22: if you remain resolute, your emotions overcome you. You become so angry you want to vomit. You curse what/who you're mad at, but more importantly, you curse yourself for being the way you are, because you have emotions you can never act on. It's a remarkable display of both strength and helplessness at the same time. Yet if you act the other way, you let yourself down. It's the old "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed" line, and that line always makes you feel so much worse. You understand lashing out. It's normal. It's human. And it's still sinking to a lower level, one that you'd like to hope you're above. It becomes a very dangerous occurrence when the act of being human, being innately imperfect, becomes one that breeds self-resentment. I know the feeling, know it all too well. Why cut myself a break? It shouldn't matter that it's normal; don't you want to be better than normal?

Over the years, it's been something that hasn't always been easy, but I always managed to bounce back from. Lately, though, it's become much more difficult. I don't know if it's due to more stress in a shorter period of time than I've experienced, the experience of dealing with some particularly spiteful, malevolent, negative people, or just that one can only sustain the pressure of holding one's self to a higher, probably entirely unrealistic, standard for so long. In any case, it has changed my behavior. Some might not see it, in fact, many may not see it, but it has. More than anything, I've become more blunt and more prone to speaking without a filter. On the whole, it doesn't matter too much to people, as when I more generally have positive things to say and mostly surround myself with people whom I respect and admire, and whose outlooks are open-minded and whose attitudes are respectful, candor tends not to upset people too much. Sometimes a sensitive person or a sensitive situation will turn a statement or position with no ill intent into one that is hurtful. But there are times where deep down you wish ill intent, not out of some evil desire to harm someone, but because you've been wronged. Not that you feel you've been wronged, but when you truly have been wronged, when you've been treated in an entirely unfair manner that was completely undeserved. These are the times when on the scale of mercy to justice, you're Batman telling Gandhi to get the hell out of your way. It's not a unique circumstance, but at the end of the day, we still have a choice. We always have a choice.

What can happen when anger and resentment consume you is that you become blinded to what makes you feel good. Revenge might feel good temporarily, but it doesn't accomplish anything, truly. I'm not even trying to portray vengeance in a negative manner, rather, it's like an annual flower. It's great, but it dies in a year. Instead, there's the option for a perennial. We lose sight of this at times, but sometimes we can do a better job of looking for those perennials, and sometimes they come to us. The flower is no less pretty, and it has a longer lasting positive impact in the end. I had one such example today, and when it happened, it took me aback a little bit. I was fuming, conceding myself to malice and contempt and thinking about how continuing to harbor that emotion is worth it in order to harness it and return the spite and venom back to the original source, both to give some gratification and to teach a lesson: you reap what you sow. But then something happened: I had an opportunity present itself to do something nice for another person, and I took advantage of it. In a matter of seconds, all of the bitterness and frustration completely dissolved. I have been reinforcing to myself that I have to focus on the positive people in my life and remove those who don't fit that bill. Doing something good for those who deserve it is infinitely more productive the doing something bad to those who deserve it. That good deed done for no particular reason can only serve to make a positive difference in someone's life. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. It's not going to be destructive, though, which is all you accomplish by fighting back in anger and frustrations. The thought that it will "teach someone a lesson" is pretty misguided; change comes from within, so the likelihood that retaliation, a negative action, is going to inspire someone making a positive change, is slim. It's not impossible, but I'd say it's far more likely to create more harm than good.

So there you have it. I sit here, writing this, feeling so much happier and more at peace than I could have in the other alternate scenario where I did something that ultimately would have made me feel disappointed in myself later on. Learning that surrounding myself with good people is more important than surrounding myself with people with the most common interests has been a long process for me. Seeing the good in people and overlooking their flaws is a good quality to have, but it's one that needs to be utilized with caution, as there are times when giving someone the benefit of the doubt is worthwhile, and there are times where discretion should dictate that it is better to just move along. I really look forward to conscientiously putting this into practice in my life and hopefully reaping the benefits of this slightly different philosophy. I'd like to think that there are people out there that have many common interests and are good people; you can't always have your cake and eat it too, but I'd like to think you can some of the time! All this said, I propose that the next time you have the inclination to seek retribution against someone else, take a step back, find someone else to appreciate, and reward that person with an act of kindness. See how it works out. I'd be willing to bet you'll be pleased with the outcome.