More and more of late, my emotions have been returning to a more up and down fashion. It's purely situational, as I've been working a ton of hours on a very high stress project; it's possibly got the potential to be the biggest thing I work on in my entire career, past or future. There's also the anxiety associated with moving (again). This past moving endeavor really took a lot out of me, and this forthcoming one promises to be the most draining of all since I will be owning, not renting. Not only do I have to do all the things I'd normally do, but all the things that are done for you upon moving into an apartment or a rented condo are now my responsibility, too. There's no management company to do touch up paint, patch nail holes in the walls, clean/replace carpets, and all those other chores you're not particularly looking forward to doing when you already have all your other stuff to move and take care of. That's not even the most daunting piece, either. For me, it's the psychological component that is most precarious. Previously I have always liked moving because of the prospect of a fresh start, something new and exciting. The more I have them though, the more you begin to question how many more times you want to. I love traveling, I love living in new places, I just dislike moving, and now I dislike the prospect of being anchored somewhere. My mantra that I try to stick to is "there are no good or bad decisions, only decisions". Very few things in life are permanent, and living arrangements due to home/condo ownership are no different. Nevertheless, it's still daunting.
Deep down, I am worried about screwing up. The past several times I have relocated cities started out great. I was able to really take to a new environment and make the most of it. Each time, though, it faded. There are various reasons for that, but the thing I fear is it becoming a trend. Is it a trend? Did I screw something up? Was it life, or was it just me? Another component to this was both when I moved in 2007 and again in 2010, I was moving on an upswing. That's not quite the case this time around, so there's this element of worrying that if I come in during a low, will I even have a fresh start, or will I continue to stagnate? I've had some moments of optimism in the past several weeks; I've had some fun occasions that encourage me I will be able to shake this funk, and I routinely try to convince myself that I will get back into doing some of the things I enjoy, or at least that I think I enjoy (I never know what I enjoy anymore). The apprehension always manages to creep back in, though. Ultimately I have a fear that I share with many people, and that is a fear of not finding happiness.
And that's where I need to stop myself. That is the wrong way to think, and it's hard wired into my brain right now, but I need to eliminate that line of thinking. Happiness always comes as quite elusive, but why? Well, because so many go on a quest for happiness, which is futile. You don't take a quest for happiness, you make a quest of happiness. Happiness is not a destination. There's no formula for it, there isn't a checklist where to do a number of particular things and then happiness is attained, and you're certainly less likely to find it if you're looking for it. Happiness is an emotion. You don't look for emotions, you feel them. Searching is an analytical process, and yes, I think there does need to be some thought that goes into what makes a person happy, but they are ultimately not similar processes. It's akin to why friends go on roadtrips; if four people take a road trip across the country, it's not them ending up in, say, San Francisco that made the trip great, it's the journey there. This is where so many people, myself included, often don't have, or fail to maintain, perspective on.
So what am I advocating? If happiness is the journey, not the destination of the journey, how does that help? Well, work on enjoying the journey. Instead of being in the passenger seat reading a map the whole trip, look out the window! See what's going on around you - why would you want to miss the scenery to look at a piece of paper? There's so much beauty and vitality around us that we shouldn't question. Instead of asking "why is this beautiful?" just think, "wow, this is beautiful!" And you know what? You're going to get lost. How could you not? You haven't been reading the map, but who cares? Getting lost and enjoying it is a far greater experience than not getting lost and being none the better for it.
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